on leaving

last night as i was looking at my semi-packed bags it hit me. all of a sudden i realized that i am going to the other side of the world, to the completely unknown, and for the first time i was really scared. the feeling (mortification might be a good word for it) quickly passed as i realized that in the next year i would have experiences and stories to tell that no one else i know will ever have.
i know this adventure is a great thing - that's what everyone keeps saying... and i'm coming close to believing it myself, but i can't help but wonder where my life would be headed right now if i weren't doing this. all of the things that i'm leaving behind - friends, family, job, apartment, security, safety, comfort - will stay here, and i can always come back to them, but every choice we make in life takes us down one path instead of another. am i walking down the right road? the only way to know is to keep going, i figure i can always turn back, right? but going back is never really an option. things never stay the same. the imaginary world that you leave behind is never as fantastic when you return as it was in your head while away. everything is always so glossy right before you leave. everything is shiny and perfect and you wonder why you decided to leave in the first place, even if you know it's the right decision - a decision made with perfect clarity and thought when you were still "in" your life. i know why i'm leaving, and i know that if i stayed i would be miserable no matter what my heart and mind are telling me right now (less than 24 hours before i leave). all of the "see ya laters" make you think, but i can't let anything stop me from doing this. i know that i will hate a lot of it, but i know that i will love a lot of it... and what's the worst that could happen? i get a new appreciation for my life here and come back... the best? well, who knows, i think i'll just walk down this path for a while and see where it takes me.

I'm TD Free

i've been working at Toronto Dominion Canada Trust Visa Customer Service for the last four and a half years. i've only been complaining about it for about half of that... but now i am "officially" TD free. Monday was my last day, and yesterday a bunch of co-workers (friends) came out to celebrate at a bar near the office, thanks for coming guys, i really appreciate it...

it still hasn't quite hit me that i don't work at the bank anymore, i don't know how long it will take. maybe when i step off the plane in Seoul... anyhow, i think i had a great run at TD and i will never forget it, the people, or the bullshit... well, maybe the bullshit... but it was an experience, and all things must come to an end. thanks for everything over the years.

St. Sulpice

last night was my going away party. i guess lots of people didn't come because they came to a party at my old apartment in May... but i still can't help but feel a little sad that so many didn't show. i suppose it's times like these that we discover who really cares. to those who didn't even bother - you should know who you are (and some are excluded from this) - to the ones who really should have been there, and weren't, well i don't even know what to say, how about goodbye. to everyone that replied and said they weren't coming, see ya later... to everyone who did come, you know i'll keep in touch... and thanks for showing that you care.

anyway, here are a few pics that were taken, it's not nearly all of them, but they're the best ones. again, thanks.

a bit of May Sarton

some interesting quotes from her book "Journal of a Solitude":

“Found this in an old journal of mine – Humphrey Trevelyan on Goethe: ‘It seems that two qualities are necessary if a great artist is to remain creative to the end of a long life, he must on the one hand retain an abnormally keen awareness of life, he must never grow complacent, never be content with life, must always demand the impossible and when he cannot have it, must despair. The burden of the mystery must be with him day and night. He must be shaken by the naked truths that will not be comforted. This divine discontentment, this disequilibrium, this state of inner tension is the source of artistic energy. Many lesser poets have it only in their youth; some even of the greatest lose it in middle life. Wordsworth lost the courage to despair and with it his poetic power. But more often the dynamic tensions are so powerful that they destroy the man before he reaches maturity.’”

“My own belief is that one regards oneself, if one is a serious writer, as an instrument for experiencing. Life – all of it – flows through this instrument and is distilled through it into works of art. How one lives as a private person is intimately bound into the work. And at some point I believe one has to stop holding back for fear of alienating some imaginary reader or real relative or friend, and come out with personal truth. If we are to understand the human condition, and if we are to accept ourselves in all the complexity, self-doubt, extravagance of feeling, guilt, joy, the slow freeing of the self to its full capacity for action and creation, both as human being and as artist, we have to know all we can about each other, and we have to be willing to go naked.”

“I have been thinking about the fact that, however terrible the storms may be, if one’s life has a sufficiently stable and fruitful structure, one is helped to withstand their devastating aftereffects. For most people their job does this-provides a saving routine in time of stress. I have to create my own to survive.”

“The human mistakes I make often come from rushing in fast in order to be “done” with something, to have answered, to get it off the desk…or not selectively enough. Whatever people I take into my life I take in because they challenge me and I challenge them at the deepest level. Such relationships are rarely serene, but they are nourishing.”

“…every artist is androgynous, that it is the masculine in a woman and the feminine in a man that proves creative.”

“I have been helped by Jung’s insights into the necessity for suffering. Sometimes I wonder whether what is often wrong with intimate human relations is not recognizing this. We fear disturbance, change, fear to bring to light and talk about what is painful. Suffering often feels like failure, but it is actually the door into growth. And growth does not cease to be painful at any age.”

The next one is nicked from Loneliness by Clark E. Moustakas but as quoted in Journal of A Solitude:

“I began to see that loneliness is neither good nor bad, but a point of intense and timeless awareness of the Self, a beginning which initiates totally new sensitivities and awarenesses, and which results in bringing a person deeply in touch with his own

my first digicam...

I’ve been dreaming of owning a digital camera for a while now, and I finally gave in. I used to be one of those people who scoffed at digital imaging... back in the days when it wasn't so great, and the best you could do with a digital camera was make a crappy 4x6 - I consider myself a "real" photographer - you know, trained in the use of an old school 4x5 camera, dark room developing and printing. i went to the Dawson Institute of Photography in 1999/2000, and worked in a professional photography store at the same time. I considered myself an expert, and still do – to a degree. It may not be my profession, but I know that I have an “eye” – I’ve been told by many – and when I dropped out of photo school, the entire class was blown away, I suppose they figured that if anyone would finish it would be the one who got 100% on all her assignments. It just wasn’t challenging – I felt like I already knew so much that I wasn’t learning anything at school, so why kill myself with a full time job and full time school? That was the end of that, which is one of the reasons finishing j-school was such a surprise, I just never thought I would. I guess that means kudos to my profs for keeping it interesting and challenging – thanks.

Anyway, back to the photography… I was always anti-digital, it just couldn’t do what film could… well, times have changed and some of the best photos I’ve ever taken have been with a digital camera (always borrowed). I can’t even remember the last time I shot a roll of film, and now I refuse to waste my money on it. There are people out there who will think I’m crazy for not wanting to use film anymore, and yes, I might on occasion while in Korea – for artsy stuff – but it’s so much easier to do it digitally… and now I can.

So it’s not what I really want – which is a Canon EOS 1Ds (since i have lenses for it... but I can just keep on drooling over that until I have the million dollars it’ll cost. For now, I’ll (and so will you) have to get by with the fuji finepix A400 that I bought today. It’ll get me by until I can afford something bigger and better – but it isn’t so bad… 4.1 megapixels and a zoom (not that I’m a huge fan of those either), not to mention that it was on sale!!! It’s a nifty little camera - check out the first photo that i took with it:

finally... the Internet

i know, it seems sillly to post about having the net when i've been posting here and there, but to finally be able to sit in the comfort of my own home, on my own beautiful apple computer... i feel like crying. it's only a week and half before i leave (and then who knows how long it will be until i have the net - will i have it in my new apartment in Korea? i don't know, and won't until i get there... so it's nice for now.

Leaving on a jet plane

No, i'm not a big John denver fan, but it is kind of catchy as far as titles go... and it's totally true. My flight is booked - thanks to the kindness of my big brother. (i will be re-paying him as soon as i get to SK.) I'm taking an Air Canada flight from Montreal on Sunday August 20th at 7:30AM arriving at Chicago O'Hare International Airport at 8:50AM then transferring to a Delta flight leaving at 12:55PM for Seoul. i will arrive at Seoul Incheon International Airport at 4:45PM on August 21st... since i'm flying into the next day, when i get there it's actually going to be around 3:30 in the morning for me... but that's what travel is... and i'm not worried about it. Of course, that isn't where the travelling stops. i will then have to take a bus for about 3 hours to the Centre for In-Service Education at the Korea National University of Education - which is where i will spend 10 days for orientation. If you want to read more about the program that i am working with check here.

i can hardly wait to be on my way, and 21 days seems like forever right now, but i know that i'll be there before i know it. i'm just sick of living in limbo right now...

more soon...

It really is the other side of the world

i got "THE" email on Thursday. i'm on my way to Ottawa in a few days to sign my contract with EPIK. It seems silly that i ever doubted that i would get the job, but it's official now. i have to be in Seoul, South Korea on August 23rd - which is also my birthday.

i have been placed in the Gyeongnam province. i still don't know the city where i will be living, but when i get there i'll let you know. From first looks at what i can find about this province, it looks pretty interesting and beautiful. i still can't believe that i'm moving more than 6500 miles (10,000 KM's) away. i don't think that it will fully hit me until i'm there - but i'm on my way!!!

...more to come...

the waiting game...

still waiting to hear from the embassy re my job with epik... i should know by saturday if i got it... if i didn't, then it's time to really start hunting. i can't leave until mid-august anyway (dr's appt) so i'm not terribly worried right now. besides which my friends' friend told me that she could help me find a job in Korea if i just show up in september... so, hopefully everything will work out. i know it will - i have to stay positive.

my back is doing much better and i've started back at work... been there for two days now and it went great... well, as great as work can be. and since i only have like 6-7 weeks left there, it seems a lot more bearable. but i can't wait to be able to give notice and then just leave and be gone with it... it'll suck having to pay bank fees, but that's life.

other than that life has been boring for the last couple of weeks, just trying to get better... one of my best friends' is leaving today for europe for the rest of the summer, so i won't see her until the next time i'm in Canada, and who knows when that will be... so it's a bit sad. i'm going to hang out with her and her son for the afternoon. on that note, i'm off, i'll post again when i get the chance - with no internet at home, it isn't easy...

been a while...

sorry it's been a while since my last post... i wish i could say that it's because of the beautiful summer weather, but it's not. There is no internet connection where i am staying right now, and getting one is apparently more difficult here than anywhere else in the world... hopefully we'll be connected soon, i can't even find a wireless connection to jump on wihtout a password. argh! so here i am, back at school using the wireless network here... good thing they haven't cut me off yet!!! anyway, it's not like i have any regular readers right now anyway, so i suppose this blog will survive regardless of how long i go without the net... though it makes me very bored, since i don't know what to do with myself... at least there's free cable at the new place.

so the move went all right, and now i'm waiting to hear from epik... only another week and a half. my back is getting better, i still have some pain, but i'm hoping the doctor (where i'm going in about an hour) will let me go back to work... i despeerately need to make some cash before leaving for Korea. i think that if i have a gradual return for the first week, i should be okay... hopefully anyway... i need to get into the full-time schedule if i want to leave in August... so much to prepare for! and too much to buy.

that's life right now, i'm still playing the waiting game... will be back online asap, so until then...